NIGHT FLIGHT FROM ATHENS

Sunday evening and we leave Athens on time. As its BA, this is a plesant suprise. However, Athens is quiet, it’s a public holiday here to tomorrow, and we are in luck as everyone boards promptly. It’s very different when leaving from Heathrow however. Lateness is almost unavoidable it’s so busy.

It's quite an old aircraft, one of those 767s with those rather square, dark blue seats, like something out of Thunderbirds.  Upon take-off the whole things rattles and shakes a bit. I always think the engines sound like lawn mowers close up during take-off, but they're Rolls Royce engines, aren't they? So the old seats don't matter, the engines are the best in the world.  I could quite happily fly to the moon in a tomato crate, as long as it had Rolls Royce engines and a pilot with that calm reassuring English accent, who could tell me what the weather would be like when I got there (cold and drizzling).

The staff are very friendly. I'm lucky because tonight I’m in business class flying on the Misuse's air miles which makes the cost 25% of a standard economy fare. I guess it’s one advantage to being married to someone who works all over the world. Susan has so many air miles that, if they did flights to Mars, she would qualify for the free return trip. BA concentrates on the Trans-Atlantic routes though so it's not likely any time soon.  She is working in Athens for a fortnight, so I have been out there to see her for a few days.

Given all the trouble in Greece, I wondered what it would be like. In a word, it’s bad. Just one small illustration of this was a little taverna we went to for dinner. It was so good, we went back there again a night later. Small and family run, it catered more for locals than tourists and was cheap and very friendly. Yet across both nights there was just one other table occupied. On the second night we were the only couple the whole time we were there. How will this little restaurant survive?

Yet for all its current well broadcast agony, Athens remains a truly remarkable, historic city, home to 5 out of every 7 Greeks. I was surprised at just how big it was. The Acropolis and the truly breath taking Parthenon have been there for nearly 2500 years. It’s a beacon of both their civilisation and power to endure against 25 centuries worth of challenges and invasions from the outside. Without wishing to downplay it’s terrible pain of the moment, Greece will get through this. Over the immense span of its history, it has seen off worse.

Besides, right now major restoration work is taking place on the Parthenon and, for an ancient civilisation that placed so much store in the significance of events, what could be a better omen for its long term.

Somewhere behind me a baby cries, giving audible expression to the random luck of seating. There is a queue outside the toilets and the person on my right is snoring. On my left someone is buried in the pages of the Daily Mail. Clearly he wants to avoid getting home from his holiday in a good mood.

The in-flight entertainment is reaching its conclusion, another of those mildly inoffensive films that has to appeal to everyone, but ends up not really entertaining anyone. There is an announcement over the intercom and the seat belt lights come on to signal bumps ahead.

Just over an hour out from London. Time to finish that last glass of wine before it’s spilt in any turbulence.

USA TO BLAME FOR HUGO CHAVEZ DEATH (AND EVERYTHING ELSE TOO)

So, after a long struggle, Mr Hugo Chavez has succumbed, like so many others, to the dread disease of cancer.

Chavez was not just the President of Venezuela, he was also an ardent Revolutionary, a patriot and a populist, a former paratrooper, a fiery socialist and also, undoubtedly, a hero to many of his people too. He was ferociously ambitious, intolerant of any opposition and, had he continued, likely to have become increasingly authoritarian and despotic. Unsurprisingly, his mentor and at the same time one of his greatest heroes, was Fidel Castro, a man who after about 50 years of uninterrupted power himself (some might say dictatorship), had yet to work himself up into any excitement over those annoying trivialities like democracy and freedom of speech or association.

Chavez's ambition was to be seen as the scourge of the former Imperial powers of the West, and in particular, as the South American leader of the pack against the great evil, formerly known as the USA.  Like all good romantic stories of revolutionaries, his end needed to be heroic, fighting against massively superior forces (that’s the US and its imperialist lackys), encircled by treacherous "enemies of the people" (that's the Venezuelan opposition party) but supported by loyal comrades, who can be selected from those on the guest list for his funeral, including theocratic maniacs, ageing dictators and a couple of apologies from those, like Mr Assad, currently otherwise to occupied butchering his own people to spare the time to attend.

Cancer is a terrible disease and not to be belittled or made the subject of cheap comment. Yet, it does not quite fit the here's death ordained for Hugo Chavez. Fighting this cruel horrible disease from the media blackout of a hospital bed is not quite how revolutionaries are supposed to meet their end. The bad guy in the political narrative of Chavez's life is unfortunately absent at the critical moment in the plot.

So, in a makeover worthy of a good Hollywood epic, history must be re-written to meet it preordained outcome.  Dark accusations are now being made about how the USA is responsible for his cancer and how it is the USA, the enemy of freedom, that is the evil hand behind the demise of the hero. Imperial enemies have given him this illness. The leader of the Russian Communist party concurs, claiming it was far from a coincidence. Well, I’m not sure how he knows but facts are not part of this novel or traditionally the lexicon of old school communists. Reassuringly though, it’s all contained in classified documents that, conveniently, will be only released in 50 years’ time. What has been going on? Perhaps there really is a shadowy CIA Oncology tactical hit squad roaming through South America led by Lt Colonel Oliver North (Rtd). Who knows?

In reality, few know. Chavez could have died some time ago, perhaps even in Cuba. Irrespective of that however, the narrative is gaining traction and events can now be manipulated to fit the required story line. The hero can die fighting to the end against the sinister forces of imperialism (read USA). His successors are fired up to continue the struggle (that means motivated to vote for Chavez's chosen political successor in the pending Presidential elections). His story continues and the struggle against imagined enemies goes on. Whats more, our hero, like so many other heroes (or mass murdering despots depending on your point of view) on the extreme fringes of the political Left, will undergo some bizarre form of secular immortalisation by being embalmed and kept on public view in a glass coffin where he can be “with his people" forever and ever amen.

VATICAN VACANCY

Just what might a satirical job advertisment for this high profile vacany look like....well, read on as this is the leaked text of the draft advertisement being drawn up to fill the newest vacancy in the Vatican. In fact its so current that the drafting corrections are still in place! A Vatican ordered phone tapping exercise is being rolled out as you read (thats not a joke is it?)...

JOB TITLE: POPE (Vice Mr Joe Ratzinger)

ROLE OVERVIEW

The incumbent will be expected to exercise full, supreme and universal authority over the faithful, with a specific remit to lead it out of the dark ages and its believers through the challenges of the 20 21st century.

DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

1. To courageously and ceaselessly confront and root out evil where ever it is found without regard for personal reputation.
2. To resist the temptation to believe the numerous scurrilous lies being propogated by renegade elements within the Vatican and other innocent members of the Agents of Satan, claiming that numerous senior employees of the Church have been engaged in acts of grave depravity activities that some might consider not necessarily compatible with their trusted status in the Church.
3. To follow and uphold the 10 13 Commandments. (For the information of all applicants the final 3 Commandments are: (11) Use of Condoms is Forbidden (12) Ordination of Women into the Priesthood is Forbidden (13) Homosexuality and Gay Weddings are Forbidden (14).Philately is to be forb …Pending review…
4. Cover up or pretend not have known about Must always adopt a dignified silence (remember you will be infallible) when confronted with clearly serious and convincing examples of intrinsic moral evil baseless allegations about wrongdoing involving ordained church employees past or present. 
5. Where time permits, the successful applicant will also be expected to give some thought to other matters, like stopping wars, relieving world hunger (Note: As long as it does not breach Commandment 11) and poverty (Note - sale of Vatican assets in this regard is forbidden) and curing / preventing disease (Note: As long as it does not breach Commandment 11) and promoting the goodwill and communal well-being of all of God’s people regardless (Subject to Commandment 13) and exposing vice and corruption.

QUALIFICATIONS AND EXPERIENCE

 Ideally, the successful applicant:

• Should preferably be a Catholic who believes in God and has a working understanding of the Bible.
• Must be a very old man, celibate, be prepared to wear a long white dress, strange looking headgear and funny slippers whenever in public. 
• Must dispense advice and teachings to over a billion followers on correct sexual relationships.
• Have some experience of public speaking. Note: Successful applicant will be expected to make speeches in Latin to thousands of people, most of whom may not understand what is being said.
• Management Skills: As effective President of the organisation, applicants should  be possessed have a wealth of great Management and Leadership ability, given the divided and treacherous cadre of subordinates that Mr Ratzinger had to oversee and unsuccessfully sought…
• Skilled courdon bleu chef (surely this is for the vacancy in the canteen  – plse check - Vatican HR Manger(Recruitment))

3. BENEFITS AND REWARDS

1. The successful applicant will find reward in the eternal hereafter (Note: In the event any of the other Religions are correct, this clause is null and void).
2. Accommodation and your own small city is provided as is a company car in the form a bullet proof, glass covered golf caddy for day to day business. (Clubs not provided)

Equal Opportunity

We apply an equal opportunities recruitment policy and do not show favour on any grounds (except faith, gender and..). Women are welcome to apply provided they do not breach Commandment 12

Interested?
Interested applicants should submit their curriculum vitae to the Vatican HR Manager (Recruitment), Senior Level Vacancies, Recruitment Office of the Vatican.

The successful candidate will be notified by smoke signal.