VATICAN VACANCY

Just what might a satirical job advertisment for this high profile vacany look like....well, read on as this is the leaked text of the draft advertisement being drawn up to fill the newest vacancy in the Vatican. In fact its so current that the drafting corrections are still in place! A Vatican ordered phone tapping exercise is being rolled out as you read (thats not a joke is it?)...

JOB TITLE: POPE (Vice Mr Joe Ratzinger)

ROLE OVERVIEW

The incumbent will be expected to exercise full, supreme and universal authority over the faithful, with a specific remit to lead it out of the dark ages and its believers through the challenges of the 20 21st century.

DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

1. To courageously and ceaselessly confront and root out evil where ever it is found without regard for personal reputation.
2. To resist the temptation to believe the numerous scurrilous lies being propogated by renegade elements within the Vatican and other innocent members of the Agents of Satan, claiming that numerous senior employees of the Church have been engaged in acts of grave depravity activities that some might consider not necessarily compatible with their trusted status in the Church.
3. To follow and uphold the 10 13 Commandments. (For the information of all applicants the final 3 Commandments are: (11) Use of Condoms is Forbidden (12) Ordination of Women into the Priesthood is Forbidden (13) Homosexuality and Gay Weddings are Forbidden (14).Philately is to be forb …Pending review…
4. Cover up or pretend not have known about Must always adopt a dignified silence (remember you will be infallible) when confronted with clearly serious and convincing examples of intrinsic moral evil baseless allegations about wrongdoing involving ordained church employees past or present. 
5. Where time permits, the successful applicant will also be expected to give some thought to other matters, like stopping wars, relieving world hunger (Note: As long as it does not breach Commandment 11) and poverty (Note - sale of Vatican assets in this regard is forbidden) and curing / preventing disease (Note: As long as it does not breach Commandment 11) and promoting the goodwill and communal well-being of all of God’s people regardless (Subject to Commandment 13) and exposing vice and corruption.

QUALIFICATIONS AND EXPERIENCE

 Ideally, the successful applicant:

• Should preferably be a Catholic who believes in God and has a working understanding of the Bible.
• Must be a very old man, celibate, be prepared to wear a long white dress, strange looking headgear and funny slippers whenever in public. 
• Must dispense advice and teachings to over a billion followers on correct sexual relationships.
• Have some experience of public speaking. Note: Successful applicant will be expected to make speeches in Latin to thousands of people, most of whom may not understand what is being said.
• Management Skills: As effective President of the organisation, applicants should  be possessed have a wealth of great Management and Leadership ability, given the divided and treacherous cadre of subordinates that Mr Ratzinger had to oversee and unsuccessfully sought…
• Skilled courdon bleu chef (surely this is for the vacancy in the canteen  – plse check - Vatican HR Manger(Recruitment))

3. BENEFITS AND REWARDS

1. The successful applicant will find reward in the eternal hereafter (Note: In the event any of the other Religions are correct, this clause is null and void).
2. Accommodation and your own small city is provided as is a company car in the form a bullet proof, glass covered golf caddy for day to day business. (Clubs not provided)

Equal Opportunity

We apply an equal opportunities recruitment policy and do not show favour on any grounds (except faith, gender and..). Women are welcome to apply provided they do not breach Commandment 12

Interested?
Interested applicants should submit their curriculum vitae to the Vatican HR Manager (Recruitment), Senior Level Vacancies, Recruitment Office of the Vatican.

The successful candidate will be notified by smoke signal.