Ok, time for something light-hearted. It’s Eurovision - a blogger's dream come true. Not to be taken too seriously at all, Eurovision is a light-hearted parody of art, a tounge in cheeck (well, for some) celebration of wafer thin music, of computer generated soulless Euro pop so lightweight it is gravity defying, like a bubble blown by a child in a park on a sunny afternoon. It’s a competition where the nations of Europe, and some more, compete to see who can deliberately trot out the most vacuous and shallow pop song possible, where winning invites good-hearted ridicule and where coming last is a secret blessed relief…where "Pont-l'Évêque"* level cheesiness becomes an art form in itself.
I managed to sit through the first hour, it went something like this....
France
Bursting out of the starting blocks, France was first up in the form of a loud rather shouty female who yelled and waved her head around like a mad headbanger. Perhaps it was avaunt garde industrial disco, who can tell? There was some weird thrashing around to some scittering drum machine, much yelling and not much else. Rather good by Eurovision standards then.
Lithuania
Second up but so immediately forgettable I cannot recall a single thing about it. They could be on to a winner here.
Moldavia
Where exactly is Moldavia? Oh, don’t worry, for this was Eurovision pop fodder of the first order. That means it was unintentionally hilarious. A singer emerged who looked like an angry, botoxed fairy stranded on top of a luminescent wedding cake. Supporting her were a troupe of backing dancers in shiny pure white outfits who energetically leaped about in regulation Eurovision fashion. This requires that no notice whatsoever be taken of any beat or rhythm (ok, sometimes there isn’t any). Our expressionless fairy delivered a performance of such saccharine proportions that I could feel the enamel peeling of my teeth. Fortunately, anticipating Eurovision, I had bought some Sensodene toothpaste earlier (especially for sensitive teeth and gums).
Finland
Eurovision exists to host the performance of songs like this. A blond looking like she was trapped in a hyper speed wind tunnel and dressed in what looked like a cross between a wedding dress and an aeroplane braking parachute belted out a number about (I think) gay weddings and ended the proceedings by kissing one of her female backing singers (think Madonna / Brittney revisited). This was Eurovision gold dust, the crowd went quite potty....sure to do well. Turkey banned the entire programme (lucky Turks) on the strength of this sinful kiss to avoid 2 seconds of terrible moral pollution having a deleterious impact on their ancient civilisation, not to mention those members of their citizenry watching television. This may well harm their application to join the Eurozone…
Spain
With a backing band of sorts, including some poor soul who drew the short straw and got to play something called a Spanish bagpipe (run for the hills), some floozy in a yellow dress butchered some ghastly ditty about heaven knows what. On each side she was supported by a bloke strumming a guitar, each one trying unsuccessfully to look like he was enjoying committing musical- career suicide in front of a TV audience of millions.
Belgium
A smug looking man-child with a “Justin Bieber on-speed” hairstyle and Labrador eyes crooned out some syrupy love song. The “backing dancers’ ” choreography was the only high point, being so terrible it became entertaining as they gave a reasonable impersonation of marionettes being electrocuted. Cheesiness award for the evening.
Belarus
This was another Eurovision to order performance. A singer who looked like a 6 foot perm-tanned Barbie doll emerged from a giant silver glitter ball dressed in what looked like the remains of a shredded Christmas decoration. More toe curling choreography, with blokes in white suits, (not that kind although men in white suite were surely needed by this point), doing clumsy schoolboy/ playground level cartwheels and late 70’s over the top disco gyrations.
Russia
This might have got passed the first round on X factor, which is more than most would have achieved thus far....
Germany
A towering frau with flowing golden locks tore through some forgettable number sung in faultless English, all against a backdrop of blinding purple strobes, flashing lights, glitter waterfalls, sparkling ticket tape and delirious, cheering crowds. This is sure to do well.
Armenia
I almost fell of the sofa. A song composed by Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi, which must surely be their first euro vision mention. The performance was quite good. It has little chance of winning. A real band on stage, a real drummer, real guitars, a couple of devil horns salutes thrown in for good measure and a guitar solo (5 seconds only please).....a masterpiece by Eurovision's standards and on that note I decided to go out on a (quite legal) high and decided to call Eurovision 2013 a day.
* Pont-l'Évêque - rated the world's smelliest, stinkiest cheese.
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